At Schools End

Yay! New post from me. Once again... Been a while since I posted but now that I'm finally out of school I can do what I love to do. Write! My writing is picking up again and I feel after this long break that good things will happen. Problem is I'm way out of practice. Rusty. Going to start with continuing my fanfics before getting back to my main projects. Wish me luck!

Wouldn't that be nice?

Been a while since I've posted here. Lots have happened since I last did post, the biggest is that I'm moving into my own place October 1st. Very scary for someone who doesn't have a job. The landlord's been great and has offered to let me stay until November 15th. By then I either have a job or I am forced to take out a student loan. Scary stuff but I believe God has lead me here for a reason and I intend to stay and find out. If you truly want something you got to fight till the very end for it and that's what I plan on doing. Should be fun! Should be hard. Should be scary. But all things are possible through God. The last few days, God has done so much for me and I don't believe it's just so I can go back to NY where I'd be a miserable piece of lint in the corner. Anyway, wish me luck and keep me in your prayers. Love you all! God Bless.

Crappy beginnings

Okay I have to face it. The only good thing that has happened today was reaching level 500 in Alchemy and getting my new alchemist stone. My writing sucks even more then usual today, I feel tired even with sleep, and there doesn't seem to be much to look forward to today. This is one of those "lay down and die" days.

I feel like I have to write. Writing is my passion. And if I don't write something good I'm talentless. I'm literally good at nothing else. And if this turns out to be a dud then what can I do? Everyone's good at something, right? If this isn't it, what is?

Wow! THAT happened!

Wow, I never thought I'd have a nightmare so vivid and so scary that it would actually keep me up. 5:26 AM at this very moment and everything's dark. I don't hear any weird sounds or anything but wow... What an intense nightmare. For those who see this and wonder what it was I can't really explain it and I can't even remember it all. All I could remember was the feeling of dread. A feeling that kept me awake.

Of course I was happy to wake up and see two young ladies in bed with me, Serra and Cindi. Both are dogs of course. They sleep at my bedside every night and keep me safe. So today, a little thanks to both pups for keeping me warm at night! Yay, pups! Any of you have dogs who do the same? Sure is nice, huh?

Here's another kick in the rear... I got up and went on the computer to play WoW and see if I could shake these horrid feelings. Turns out the servers are shutting down for THREE HOURS! What timing, huh? I wanted to work on my writing originally but with my girlfriend/editor asleep I'd just end up getting frustrated. Oh! On that note, I finished the chapter I was working on for those who actually read the fanfic. I'll have it posted soon after some extensive editing. I am also gathering ideas for my main project, a lot of great things have been coming to me lately. Hopefully I'll be able to get that together and publish it sometime. It's already 12 chapters in so I have  a long way to go but not too bad. Not sure if any of you know this but I have something I like to call "Chapter Four Curse". Its when I write a story all the way up to chapter four and suddenly scrap the project. If anything goes beyond chapter four, for me anyway, it must be good.

Well one last thought tonight... Want to know how I suck at Starcraft? Today I decided to try my hand at fighting the PC on Hard for the first time (up from Normal). Got killed by a marine/mara attack... Ouch. My first loss to the PC. In my defense I am still half a sleep so it was all very foggy. But still... Shameful.

Anyway, I'm going to put down some ideas. God Bless you all an I pray you all have a great day, be you just waking up and snuggled in your beds I just pray you're all going to have the greatest of days. God Bless.

Oh what World...

I guess it had to happen sometime... I'm returning to Azeroth! Well, my girlfriend is anyway. I'm reactivating my account so she could play. I think it'll be pretty exciting being able to play again myself but I worry that I might get sucked into that world again. Only time will tell. I tried playing the "Free to Level 20" thing and I was pretty impressed with all the changes. I'm still waiting for Blizz to lift my Authentication since I lost the darn thing and once they do I'll give it a try to see how things go. A lot has changed since I stopped playing. I moved to California for one thing and I've been a lot more serious about my writing. I've made lots of friends who I hang out with on weekends. I guess I just hope not to become obsessed with the game again and if I do start to see that I am, to have the strength to stop.



In other news, I've been playing a lot more Starcraft II! I have insurance! For mental stuff! I keep listening to Puttin on the Ritz! And I got to watch Young Frankenstein! Even with my anxiety disorder I thank God for all the great things in my life like my love Alexandra and a loving family back in NY who sacrifices much to see me get better. I have to say, things could be worse. And I thank God they are not.

On one last note, if you're into poetry, Alexandra has a blog devoted to poetry. As I mentioned in previous posts, I don't know if she will post any personal thoughts, or just poetry. All that I know is that she is an excellent writer if not a little shy. Please check out her Blog page here. Its a real treat! http://www.blogger.com/profile/02138088586435142303

Well that's all for now! Time to do some cleaning and writing! Chapter two isn't going to write itself!... Yet...

God Bless you all. 

Just some thoughts!

Just putting some random thoughts down today. I got to chat with Henry, an awesome friend and brother to me. It's been months since we actually chatted and truthfully it was a lot of fun. I miss him just as much as I miss my family because to me he is family. If you ever read this, I hope you know I'm praying for you, dude. No matter what you're doing, you'll always be family to me.

Look at me, getting all emotional. Also on my mind, I resubmitted my fanfic in hopes that the improvements will get me on the site. Even if it isn't good enough I still plan to continue writing the story. Who knows? Maybe more chapters is just what it needs. I want to give a special thanks to my love, Alexandra Carrillo for her editing. She's always there to help me with my story and she's always honest. If something is crap she'll let me know! Of course in a nice way. Her editing was awesome. I hardly recognized my own story! With my grammar and spelling errors it might as well have been in a different language. Thank you again, sweetie! I love you!

Anyway, that's all for today. God Bless you all.

Dear Celestia?

No, I'm not doing a Twilight Sparkle letter! But I did learn something today. As I said in my first post, I'm hyper critical about everything I do, most of all, writing. Posted my first story on Fanfiction.net not too long ago and sent it to another site to see if they would accept it. Due to minor issues, they did not. I took it to heart at first, but reading more into it (as in my girlfriend explaining it to me!) I saw that it wasn't such a bad review, just constructive criticism. So I'll be making some changes :)  

Unfortunate Need

Alright! 5:01 AM! Had a weird dream of My Little Pony mixed into a class I've never taken before... Or maybe I have? Either way, I am now not sleepy. I kissed my girlfriend as she slept (or was half asleep) and now I look out my window to see that cool shade of indigo that is the sky. I feel pretty good, still have a slight sore throat and stuffy nose and all that. Still, I know I'll be falling asleep later which sucks because I hate sleeping during the day. In fact, for those who know me, know I hate sleep in general. I feel (as some do) that you waste a great amount of time with sleep. Though it is needed, doesn't mean I have to like it. Still I wouldn't wish insomnia on anyone. Anyway, enough ranting. I know you NY people are just waking up so I wish you guys the best. I'll be trying to sleep. An unfortunate need I'll forever have.

On another note!

Yes! One of my famous notes! I'll be doing this often! My girlfriend, Alexandra Carrillo has made her poetry blog. I'm not sure if its going to be ALL about poetry but I know that whatever she puts on there will be a great read so don't miss out!

http://wlyteth.blogspot.com/2011/06/opening-wide-doors.html Link to her page.

Morning with God

YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! You finally blew up my voice! It might have been from watching One Piece with Ronnie last night but as it stands I officially cannot talk. But never fear! My girlfriend has made me tea and soup for breakfast :) All is well, my friends. All is well.

Anyway, might have to miss my D&D night :( Unless they don't mind me infecting them. Even if they did I don't think I feel well enough. Oh well... Guess there's next time. But how are you all doing? Any of you sick? Don't need to comment to answer or anything just ask yourself, how are you doing? Personally I'm doing great! On the inside... It'll take more then cold to bring me down (though last night I was down about stuff o.o). Just take a moment to dig deep to see how you really feel today. I'll be praying for each and everyone of you guys and I know that God will watch over every single one of you. Because God is just good in that way. One of the many amazing things about God, his never ending love and his love for everyone, even the ones who refuse to acknowledge him. I'm happy to serve such a wonderful God, knowing that I'm not perfect and that I'll never be perfect, yet he loves me anyway. And he loves you. And there is a mistake somewhere, a mistake in peoples head that think you have to be perfect to get into heaven or to receive God's love. Well I have news for all of you. Christians are as imperfect as anyone else. We are no angels, ladies and gentlemen. We are as imperfect as anyone out there. Just because we have accepted the Lord as our savior doesn't mean that we have stopped screwing up. We are human and let me tell you guys something. Human's fail. Even the closest of friends and family can and will eventually fail each other. It's not a terrible thing. In fact it's very natural. Since we are imperfect we are bound to fail. We will fail each other, we will fail in some of the things we do and we will fail God. But failure is nothing to fear. In my personal walk with Christ, I found myself attacked a lot by the Devil because of my failures. Sometimes I screw up so badly I don't want to go to Church because I feel ashamed or I start to tell myself that I'm not worthy of God's grace. But those are all lies and finally I've come to see that not every failure is the end of the world. The old bike saying is true. When you fall, you don't just lay there. You get back up and try again and it's not always easy. Some falls are harder then others. And sometimes you'll feel as if you can't get back up. But please remember that when you feel that way, God is there to lend a helping hand. He's there to pick you back up. And even if not right away, you'll be back on your feet.

Anyway, I've ranted enough. Going to make another Classic Game post soon so those who enjoy those might get a treat out of it. I love you all and for all my friends and family back in NY, I'm praying for you guys and hoping you're having an awesome day. For all my other friends who aren't in NY (yes that means you Kite, Drew, and Casey), I wish you the same. See ya!

A page too far

How do you know when enough is enough? I'm sitting here with almost four pages of the first chapter of my story. I've been told that this is enough yet still I don't feel it is. I feel there should be more. But at the same time, throwing more in would probably just bog it down with unnecessary detail that wouldn't be needed. Well, anyway, I'm off to bed. Too tired to write.

Oh! On that note!

For those who enjoy horror as much as I do, if you haven't read Stephen King's essay "Why We Crave Horror Movies" (1982), it's a real treat. Check it out!

Classic Game #2 When things started getting dark

As a Christian I don't like to admit that I love horror, mainly because of how dark it is. Anything that has to do with horror I just want to pick it up and snuggle it like a teddy bear. This reflects within my writing as well. Even my more lighthearted stories seem to always have a moment, a page, even a second of darkness thrown into it. A mystery is not a mystery to me if it isn't a scary one. Maybe that is why I love horror to begin with, because of the mystery behind it. If the ending to a movie or game can keep me asking questions I'm a happy customer. I don't always enjoy closure. Sometimes I want to just keep asking. But I digress. From my last blog post I talked about my first fanfic based off of NIGHTS: Into Dreams. Well my stories took a drastic turn from the lighthearted stories of the little jester of Nightopia to something more horrific when my brothers friend happen to stay the night and I got my first glimpse of Resident Evil. Yes, THE very first Resident Evil. Looking at it now you'd find it ridiculous how anyone could be scared with the horrible graphics and even worse voice acting (which I wasn't use to yet. I had only played games without voices aside from Star Fox where they talked gibberish) . I remember staying up all night with the lights off just watching my brother freak out at every corner as zombies burst from closets and dogs jumped through windows in narrow hallways. Keep in mind that I was jumping just as much. But at the end of the night I didn't find myself covering my eyes and when the game finally turned off I only was only begging for more.

 It wasn't nightmares or thumps in the dark that kept me up for the rest of the night but the excitement, the thrill of bullets ripping through zombie flesh and they mystery of each room, wonders of what was behind the next door. I was so upset at my brother when I awoke the next day and found him playing without me conscious to watch, but how could I blame him? It was possibly the greatest game I had ever spent time watching. In fact, prior to that, my brother and I would argue about who would use the TV next. Now I found myself waiting for him to go play!

Well, like I said before, that is when my stories took a darker turn. My third through sixth grade teacher was my only reader at this time (not that I have many readers now...) and she would try and read every single thing I wrote even when the class stressed her out. She enjoyed my writing and encouraged me to continue writing. Well one day I decided to write a story that was dangerously close to Resident Evil. If I remember it was about a man in a manor who couldn't leave for some ridiculous reason and throughout the manor he found clues leading to something about his daughter or something... I can't quite remember. All that I remember was adding a lot of dark sayings (like itchie, tasty. Anyone remember that guy?) and blood. Needless to say, a conference was called with my mother to discuss the sudden change in my writing which ended in my brother getting yelled at and me not being allowed to watch my brother play games anymore. Of course, this only made me want more. Isn't that how it always is? You want it more when denied? Anyway, I think that's where my more darker writing began. Of course that isn't the darkest! But that will be for my next post. Those who know me already know where I'm going with this...

God Bless you all and I hope you're all having a great, not so dark day! As for me... I'm sick. As is the entire family. So... Back to bed! Or writing... Either one.

Classic Game #1: My first fanfic!

When I was in... Probably about the fifth grade or so I was already writing little stories. Most didn't make much since but even since that fateful class where my teacher wanted us to write a story I was hooked on it! Well of course back then I didn't know what fan fiction was but that didn't stop me from writing one without knowing it. For his birthday (or Christmas, I forget) my brother got a Sega Saturn which, to me, was the first console we owned with CDs. I was rather amazed with the graphics back then. I mean it was a sudden jump from Super Nintendo, where I thought Star Fox was the greatest thing in the world to games like Resident Evil (which I'll talk about in my next Classic Game post!). Well my brother eventually got a game called Nights: Into Dreams and man did that trippy game set my imagination on fire. For those of you who don't know Nights, its about a little jester dream (or nightmare actually) whose locked away by his fellow nightmares because... Well... Actually I don't know. They never explain the story in the actual game. By what my sister told me you have to read the manual to actual know why he's stuck in giant snow globes. But what you DO learn are about the two children who you control very briefly. Claris, a young girl who dreams of becoming a great singer and is chosen to sing at the Twin Seeds festival. Then there's Elliot who... Dreams of not sucking at basketball? Well, anyway, both have a really bad nightmare that sends them into the dream world where they meet Nights, the actual hero of the story. The characters take control of him and together they help save... Dream? Maybe? I don't know. But they go on a lot of adventures. Like I said, not very story driven. But with great gameplay and music it inspired me to write about the game. The fanfic was basically just a retelling of the story in my own words, giving the characters actual dialog (where as the game had none).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjsRcdDzxo8&feature=related This was my favorite level of the game.

Anyway, this was my first inspiration to write a fanfic without even knowing what a fanfic was. I'm sure a lot of young writers have done the same but oh the memories this game brings.

Good Morning, World

Just woke up, threw the dogs out, and about to work on more stories. Just wanted to put down some things that are on my mind. Like my sudden urge to visit Yosemite. I had the pleasure of visiting last year and man was it was just amazing. Wish I had pictures to post but sadly I don't. Going down to the coast would be great too, just seeing the hills and farms on the way. Beautiful. Makes me glad I'm not a recluse anymore. No amount of hours in World of Warcraft or Final Fantasy XI could have given me the beauty of California.

Well there's no way I could take a trip like that today so visiting the worlds within my writing will have to do for now.

God Bless you all.

The Poetess

Well I'm hoping to get my girlfriend to make a blog of her own for her poetry since... well... She's got amazing poetry. I'm not much of a poet myself, in fact my poems are fairly bland. If she does make one I'll be sure to post in on here for anyone reading. Her poems are a real treat and I think a lot of people would enjoy them if she would put some out there.

In other news, here is a cat. It's not my cat but I wanted to test out the image adder.

Family

Just heard from an old friend not too long ago, a good friend Russell who has been awesome to me for years. We lost contact for a while but it was great hearing from him. But it had me thinking of all the friends I have back NY, people who I wish I had hung out with more often. For years I had been a recluse and was thus reluctant to leave the house. Heck, I didn't even want to leave my room. But even rejecting a lot of offers to hang out I remember a ton of people asking me if I wanted to do things. And it made me realize that I had and have a lot more friends then I thought. I don't want to name every single one of you because I won't risk leaving anyone out but you guys are awesome and I hope you continue to be awesome.

Now I'm here in CA, far away from you guys and even with all the new friends I made and met the love of my life, you guys will always be family to me. I love every single one of you and I mean it! God Bless you all because God has blessed me by putting you all in my life.

1:21 in the morning.

Seems Alexandra can't sleep so now I can't sleep either. Woke up thinking that if I don't sleep my heart will stop beating later. This is part of having chronic anxiety problems. Due to I'm have asleep I can write that and not worry about it though I'm sure I'll read this later and start having breathing problems. I'm not even quite sure if this is something I should be blogging actually. This is more like a Facebook comment. What does one blog? I mean is this thought any less blog worthy then other blog posts? Is there certain amount of thought one should put into a blog in order for it to be a valid blog post? Forget it... I'm going to sleep.

Problem with "good".

Well, here we go again... Most likely by the time anyone reads this I would have rewritten it almost a dozen times. Like most (or at least some) people who enjoy writing I struggle with a lot of self-criticism (along with spelling error's and grammar error's). Let me make it clear that I don't purposely self-loathe my writing for attention or sympathy. It just so happens that when I go back and read what I wrote, suddenly I feel like I picked up a book from the library that I don't like (not that I ever visit the library). Well it comes down to this... My name is Andrew Barillas and I love to write. I love it very much. I love it because it is the best way to express myself. To talk about how I feel when spoken words just don't do the trick. But even more then that I love to create. Ever since I was little I wanted to be one of those science kids who took everything apart only to switch the pieces around and create something new. Of course I got in trouble for this so that never turned into anything. I also wanted to draw which never turned out well. But drawing is a good example of what I mean. In a painting you can probably imagine a whole new world or see our world through different views. Often superhero comics take place in some metropolis, a place we see everyday or similar to. But of course we won't see Spider-man slinging his way through New York city (at least I haven't). No, this spider storyline character is just a fantasy. And we don't waste time on fantasy, do we? I'd be lying if I said we didn't. People love to fantasize for different reasons. Maybe they live a boring life or a life where they crave something more. Some of us fantasize about things we want that actually do exist like owning a beach house or becoming the CEO at some major company. Some of us are a little more extreme. When I write, I like to create new worlds. Something beyond the normal. And though not every single thing will ever be 100% original, I'd like to think that I got close at some point to bringing what little readers I have to another place outside of their own life. A place they can escape to.  

So there you have it. I enjoy writing. My problem is... "Good" is never enough. My girlfriend, Alexandra, not only the love of my life but my editor, tells me that beyond some spelling and grammar problems, I have great ideas that I seem to put down well. I just don't see what she's seeing (and by the way this or other blog posts won't be edited by her so God help me...). Well by writing this blog I hope to get rid of some stress I have, you know, talking about how I'm FEELING about something. People say it works! Talk about your FEELINGS! Well lets see how true that is. And who knows. Maybe someone out there might share my problems with writing or want to talk about their feelings and stuff... And stuff.